Summing Up 2014 in My Own Words….

I wanted to write about my year, so I sat in front of a blank screen for a while I would then close the screen and continue with something else and then feel like I had a lot to write and then sit in front of a blank screen again.

Writing use to come easy, as easy as breathing or eating ice cream or putting on my socks. Just something that would naturally flow from my brain to the screen or page.

SO why did it take so long for me to actually have an idea of how I wanted this blog to go is beyond me. Maybe it is because this last year I really overcome a lot, I was put through a series of tests (by the way thanks “life” for that), I really took a look around me and figured out at the end of the day what is it that mattered enough for me to still have around me
What did I learn this year, man… maybe I should start off by what didn’t I learn.

I look at the people around me and they are newlyweds, starting a family, settling into their homes and here I am… I’m not saying I would change where I’m standing BUT I have a much different surroundings.

This was my first full year with a child, in 2013 I scrapped the surface of what I got myself into, and I will be honest I thought maybe I bit of more then I could chew. So I took that part of 2013 and reflected when 2014 rolled around and thought “what can I do to make this work.” I knew I didn’t want to replace anyone, but I still wanted to be looked at and treated with the same respect. How do you do that without stepping on toes, and looking like a “C U Next Tuesday?” Well truth is … YOU CAN’T you sort have just got to roll with it and hopefully people can see where you’re coming from.

I decided I wanted to develop a strong relationship with McKayla, obviously I’m not here to replace her mom nor could I ever! BUT I wanted her to know that I was going to be here with here and take over the “mommy jobs” as Steven has with the “daddy jobs.” I wanted to get to know her as a person, really find out what goes on in this little girls head. I wanted her to know and feel that even though it may seem like your alone (with no mother and father), that you have two people who love and care about you just the same and will be there for you every step of the way and do whatever it takes to make sure she has everything she needs in life INCLUDING her siblings.

This year was an uphill battle for me because I felt like Steven and I were always working against the current, HOWEVER when we overcame obstacles I guess the win tasted sweeter, but while we were weathering the storms that were a head it’s hard to hold it together. So this year I had to learn that its “perfectly okay to be imperfect.” I learned to communicate with my partner regardless if what I had to say may come off as hurtful or insensitive and I learned to take the same feedback the best I could. I also learned A LOT about McKayla through the various “adventures” we would find ourselves doing. I tried to be there for all her soccer games and any other event going on in her life. When we were together I let her talk to me about whatever she wanted, I didn’t force conversations about her mom, and tried to answer the hard questions like “why did my mom have to die from Cancer and some moms don’t” the best I could. Through our little adventures (and by adventures I mean walks at the pier, hiking, ice cream dates etc…)

I learned a lot about her and the type of lady she is growing into. She’s got a warm heart like her mom, will do anything for anyone HOWEVER she’s got a stern stubborn attitude like her uncle which can be a good thing later on in life but it makes her too quick for her age right now. Some people looking in might thing we are “hard” on her, BUT they don’t really know McKayla and how quick and sharp she really is. At first I cared about what people thought when it came to my “parenting” BUT I quickly realized that at the end of the day, they aren’t in our home raising her. Judgement is really like standing in a glass house throwing stones, and figured one day their parenting will be on display and that’s when Karma will set in. As far as I’m concerned I’m proud of Steven for the dad he is becoming, he’s a fantastic father figure and I think that I’m very lucky to have someone like that as my partner. I think that we are doing the best with the situation at hand, I think that we have grown into the rolls given and we continue to grow. Parenting can’t be taught (I don’t care how many books you read or classes you take), it is all about trial and error and you just have to learn from your mistakes and celebrate your wins and carry on.

I found two lumps this year which really had me thinking “what if.” So I made sure I got things in order just in case the “what ifs” were a reality one day in the future. The doctors say I’m in the clear so although I shouldn’t have anything to worry about, there is nothing wrong with getting things in order. It protects you and the people you love that are around you.

In my occupation I had to overcome some strong personalities, sometimes you can’t choose who you work with and you just have to accept you are not going to get along with everyone, so my focus was to work well together and then at the end of the day go our separate ways. Sometimes you don’t mesh well with people, doesn’t mean you can’t come together as a team and kill it. So that’s what I’ve tried to focus on, how can I be a better asset to my team, and what do I need to do to make it work. I learned to take feedback and try and roll with it, I’ve also tried to give more feedback as it is important to communicate on the two way street. I’ve taken on some extra projects at work and started to think about a development plan that I want for myself to get to my next step, and to set myself up for my future (whatever it may hold). This will continue into 2015!!

This past year I re-connected with a friend of mine whom I as good friends with in High School. It’s weird how life brings people in and out of your life. AND it’s also weird some of the people who have come to my aid in some of the hurdles I was faced with this year which helped me keep push forward more then they could ever know.

The friend I re-connected with I have seen since high school here and there but we never really talked between events we saw each other at. Weird enough a funeral brought us together by a simple gesture of reminding someone to call her about the death of a mutual person we knew. Someone she was close with at one time or another. I didn’t know this gesture would rekindle a friendship that was always there just never really on the right track. As I look back on 2014, and the amount of hurdles this girl has went through it inspired me to be a stronger person… a stronger person for her when she needed me and a stronger person for Mac & Steven. This girl doesn’t understand the fight she had every time something else bad happened to her that inspired me to want to keep pushing forward. I think she and I were meant to rekindle this friendship at this point in our lives because we have a lot we can bring to the table to help the other out whether we realize it or not.

During this process with McKayla I had another friend send me messages here and there of encouragement. When I started this process I really had NO IDEA what I got myself into, and although I was confident in who I was and what I could bring to the table, the situation was a little more complex and I had to be a lot more sensitive to a lot of different factors to make it work. I’d be lying if I sat here and told you that I never once felt like I was failing, because I did… BUT Ironically enough when I felt like that I would get a message from a girl I grew up with who like Mac lost her mom at the age of four or so and basically went through some of the same things Mac has or will be going through as she grows up. TO hear from someone who’s been there give me insight on what’s possibly to come, or having me in Macs life will ease the hurt of losing her mom, and how I’m doing a great job really brought tears to my eyes. It was something she 100% didn’t have to say, but to have someone recognize the little things and what they will mean to Mac (even though I may not have understood the impact I’ve been making) is a real eye opener and inspired me to want to be that person for her even more so. She really had a way of picking me up when I was feeling like I was failing and really pushed me to move forward and dig deep. AND for that… I will always be truly grateful.

This year, I tried to really branch off and get to know other couples who also have kids, with the constant uphill battle for visitation access for Mac to see her sisters, I wanted her to still have kids she can do things with, so this year I tried to set up a few more play dates and outings with other couples who also have kids. It was a great experience I think for all of us because when you talk to other couples who have kids it’s good to know that some of the things we are experiencing with Mac are completely normal. I love that their kids and Mac get along, and she’s got great relationships with them. It’s something she really needs until the official ball gets rolling on the access and then she can share all the amazing adventures with her sisters and show them some really cool places and things to do, as well as allowing her to finally be a big sister and teach them and show them things in the process.

Obviously not all my relationships this year have been great and supportive, and that’s forced me to really look at my surroundings and figure out who had their poker face on. I had the feeling that there were some people who were around me who put on a good friendly face but at the end of the day we were never really meant to be friends, and as soon as I recognized that I had to cut them out of my life. In life I feel like you have to have a great support system around you, when you fall everyone is there to make the fall hurt less as you would make their fall hurt less, and when one of those structures starts to just let you fall that’s when you know the relationship isn’t meant to be. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but at this stage in my life I don’t need 500 friends, I am okay with having a handful that I know will support me instead of surrounding me with negativity and attaching my name to negativity. Some may find that harsh to swallow but it is how I feel and I’m sorry it makes you angry to know that.

2015 I want to make sure I find time for myself, sometimes I have myself so wrapped up in certain things (something’s I shouldn’t even be stressing about) that I forget to do the things I love to do. I want to get out and do more hikes this year, I want to travel a little bit more (pending time off), and I want to make sure that I’m set for my future by lining up my ducks one by one. Start off by short goals, and work into long time goals. I want to make use of some of the relationships that I can’t avoid, and try and find some common ground because I truly feel that’s the only way to make it work for the future. I want to write more, and vlog more about some of the things that matter to me. I want to take you all on this journey with me and I want to reach out to people who are maybe going through the same thing with my story. I want to inspire people to be inspired.

There is a lot to accomplish in 2015… so let’s get this ball rolling! 
Happy New Year everyone


~ by Christina Sears on January 14, 2015.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: