The Wedding Politics

691d4ab07ed99266fdb39ccdf737341eI read this article awhile back on the Spec’s website, and after reading it I was completely in awe by what I read. Because there are a lot of weddings going on this year for me (and part of last year) the title of the article “Class or Crass? Wedding Gift Spat Spirals out of Control.”

If you haven’t read it I guess this couple was invited to a wedding and were called out for gifting a food basket. According to the couple that got married, the gift was pathetic considering they spend 200$ or so on the couples plates at the wedding. They had some pretty intense exchanges about the gift and the couple that got married ALSO put the gift on display after the wedding at a bbq at their home so people can see the gift and laugh about it.

NOW, everyone is going to have a different opinion about this I’m sure, however… before explaining mine know that I come from a background that is part European. When you hear European wedding you think BIG, EXPENSIVE, ETC… Usually Europeans don’t give wedding gifts they give money in a card. So I was raised with this, when there is a wedding/shower we give money in a card the amount isn’t a set amount although some might seem to think it is. BUT THAT’S WHAT I WAS BROUGHT UP WITH. 

Some people give wedding gifts and not money, its all about what they were brought up with, what traditions they know, and maybe what they prefer to give. ULTIMATELY its the person who is invited to decide what they want to do for the bride and groom. Everyone has their own way of wishing the bride and groom a happy future!

This gift basket that was given to the newlyweds was full of fancy salsas, oil, biscuits, marshmallow spread, and more. The card on the gift read “life is delicious- enjoy.” 

I guess not what the newlyweds were expecting considering the bride text the couple and thanked them for coming, nice gesture right? WRONG, she continued her text message by saying to this couple “I’m not 42286d0c346f22bf3dbcc008886a54b3sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding…. people give envelopes. I lost out in $200 covering you and your dates plate… and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future.”

When I read the article my jaw dropped, TO THINK someone would ACTUALLY have the vagina to write that to another person after this person attended their wedding. Agreed that most people do give a monetary gift to the newlyweds on their wedding day as a gift, HOWEVER that is the guests decision, not something that is written in stone and sure as hell should not be expected. Like I said earlier unless people were brought up with specific ways, customs, etc some may not think to give a monetary gift OR if they do it might not be enough to cover the plate (which is what the general idea is). 

I guess the bride started off the conversation before even thanking the couple for coming and letting them know how she really felt about their gift by asking for the receipt for the gift as I guess the bride was gluten intolerant. 

The Spec talked to an etiquette coach Louise Fox, who has appeared in shows including Slice’s TV’s Rich Bride, Poor Bride. Louise said that even requesting the receipt was out of line by the newly weds. She says the newlyweds should have just offered the basket to family or friends and then wrote a thank you note (like they would for every guest) that focused on the thought behind the gift.

I feel this would have been the more mature root, and IF it were me this would have been the path I would have taken. Wouldn’t you?

Here’s what the conversation looked like between the gift givers and the newlyweds that the spec included in their article:

Gift-givers: “… to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of.”

7488536c841d3845970fde4abd87c707Newlyweds: “Weddings are to make money for your future … not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue.”

Gift-givers: “It’s obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to.”

Newlyweds: “You should have been cut from the list … I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts. I was right.”

Gift-givers: “You should be grateful that you got a gift and that’s the end of it. You want to preserve the feelings of the giver.”

I DIDN’T know that a wedding was to make money for your future? Shouldn’t you PLAN for your future? I know weddings can get costly, I have 2 cousins and my younger brother are going through wedding prep and some have already banged off their wedding day. Saying that I would assume anyone who wishes to get married KNOWS the costly price tag that can come attached to getting married. I know some family members who have said whats the point of getting married its just a piece of paper and they don’t need the pricy expenses that come with it. 

Although it is a piece of paper, I feel its just a moment in life that signifies the relationship and unconditional love two people have for each other making that ultimate life long commitment and want to share it with their close friends and family.  

I think people forget that and get wrapped up in not wanting to look cheap and get caught up in the wedding politics of it all. I’ve had multiple people say that destination wedding is the way to go, and maybe for some people it is. Maybe destination weddings ARE less stressful, but they are only less stressful because normally the people who go are the people who matter and want to see you get married and want to experience that with you. Not the people you had to invite to save face. 

I feel these newlyweds probably spent beyond their means and figured they would get it all back and then some from their guests. NOT all guests are like that. I have a European side (my Mom side) and a 78642d8913d9ec0c890aa506ceda1d4dCanadian side (my dad’s side) and I can tell you NEVER ONCE has my mother EVER put a price tag on events like weddings, showers, baptisms etc. To be honest I can speak for my parents when I say they genuinely just appreciate people making it out to celebrate these moments with them. At the end of the day that’s what events like this are all about. Spending it with the people in your family and your close friends. 

Seeing some of my cousins and my brother go through this journey most would think I feel behind especially with the pressures of people ALWAYS FOREVER ASKING “when are you next.” BUT to be honest I’m not, I’ve learned more then I think they would ever know by watching them all go first and I’m so GRATEFUL that for once I don’t have to do it first. Being the oldest I always paved the way for my brothers, whether they want to admit it or not. I did everything first, and its nice to have the road paved for me for when I’M READy to make that commitment. I can go to any of them for advice and they would know because they have lived it already. 

I have some very STRONG beliefs about weddings, some I think my family thinks is wrong (again wedding politics). Because things are done a certain way somethings that are outside of the box and maybe in their experiences “isn’t the right way” is what stresses out a couple. Trying to make everyone happy when at the end of the day IT IS YOUR WEDDING DAY. You can take the advice and suggestions of those around you, but ultimately it is your decision. 

I’ve already told my mom that there are people who haven’t talked/visited or bothered with not only myself but also my immediate family in YEARS, and if I HAVE NOT talked to them then why am I inviting them to my wedding? To save face? If they cared wouldn’t they still try to make an attempt? How about family that your not close with? WHY invite them? 

I know I probably sound like a bitch right now, but I truly truly believe that a wedding day is one of the most special prominent days in someone’s life, and the people that are there should be the people who UNCONDITIONALLY through tick and thin supported and were there for you one way or another. AND not the people who are there on a technicality, or because you don’t want to offend anyone. 

6d5ed83445cbc242d00ccfe5a45ac941IF my cousins didn’t choose me to be in their wedding I wouldn’t be offended, everyone has their own circle that they are close with and at the end of the day you should still be happy for them regardless and I would have been just as happy for them if I wasn’t involved. 

I feel very very strongly about a wedding party, I feel they should 10000% be the people who have stood by you and have been there to watch your relationship blossom into what it is. The people who went through your ups and downs with you, the people who kept you sane, who shared those good times with you. NOT the people you feel you “need” to pick because your parent’s say.

I was asked recently if I ever though about who my maid of honor would be? I don’t have ANY SISTERS to choose from, and to be honest I HAVEN’T. I think I’ve thought more about who I would want to stand beside me just like they have through my entire relationship then I have my Maid of Honor. The person who asked me seemed really shocked. 

I truly feel that the women I ask to stand at my right side is the women who understands me, who I have a bond with that I can’t explain to anyone else and someone who just cares unconditionally regardless of what is going on. Someone who is going to work hard to ensure you make it through all the wedding prep, the person who will keep your spirits high when you can’t find the right dress or if nothing is going right. The person who will do everything they could to make you happy because they know YOU would do the same for them.

I grew up always having good guy friends, so to say I have thought about a maid of honor would be a lie.

They want you to keep it family because at the end of the day family has always got your back. I know in my case my family will always have my back BUT some people don’t have that. I have some friends who might as well be family for how much they have had my back. 

I also feel a wedding doesn’t have to cost a whole lot to make it amazing, I feel that a couple should have a budget and try and work with it, they could customize the entire day to suit them so when your guests walk in everything down to the napkins represent the newlyweds. 

People like the newlyweds in this article really forget the meaning of a wedding and I do feel that if they are complaining about the money they spent on plates then maybe they should have saved a little more leading up to their wedding. In no way were they justified in calling out the guest that came to their wedding and their gift. They should have just been happy they came period.




~ by Christina Sears on July 22, 2013.

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