Don’t Count Me Out….

The Definition of what I HATE!

I’ve been thinking (yes I tend to do that from time to time), and today while going to CAA to collect my traveling insurance I saw a girl whom I use to work with at ESM (back in my waitressing days). ANYWAYS The first thing out of this girls mouth is “do you still fight,” and I couldn’t help but wonder “WHY does everyone ask me that?”

Is it because, its something I liked to do? Maybe it fascinated them… I mean the fact that I’m a midget pretty much and I got on a mat and wrestled or grappled with other people? MAYBE… JUST MAYBE…. it’s an easy way to make an un awkward conversation in our passing? I’m not really sure but when people ask me, a little piece of me remembers how much I use to love it.

Today I was going through my YouTube video’s trying to weed out the really boring ones , and I re-watched some of my training videos. I remember how much it took to get up and train hard like that 3x’s a day 3x’s a week (some weeks), how bad I wanted to be treated as an equal on the mat and gain that respect of my male team mates. I remember how FRUSTRATING jiu jitsu was to me when I first started, how I just wished I could wrestle again (until jits just clicked for me and I ended up loving it).

I remember how frustrating it was when I couldn’t do something, I always said the way I felt on the inside made me forget how small I was on the outside. On the inside I was a 280lb monster who can lift anything I put my mind to, and on the outside I was 4‘10.5 and had a hard time even reaching a pull up bar without three 45lb plates sitting on a box for the extra help to reach.

THEN comes my answer “no… I haven’t been on a mat in awhile,” and its the same look on their face, the look of “yeah right…. but seriously how’s the training.” It’s heart breaking, at first I feel like maybe I was making excuses about why I stopped… I’m not sure why I stopped? Maybe I felt I stopped doing it for me and just did it because I felt I had to, I felt I knew no other way. 

It’s hard to train with another team, find another legit gym that even remotely compares to Cutting Edge, its hard to find a coach who will sit there and drill into you until you get a technique, a coach who SEES your potential and pushes you past it because they KNOW you got what it takes. 

I had all those things, and then the next thing I knew it was gone and I was on my own, I’m not going to sit here and have a pitty party about it, truth is I’m sure if I TRULY wanted to train I would have found a replacement gym, and other people to train with. I thought I did at my own gym until I found out it wasn’t actually included with my gym membership, and as much as I LOVED training with those guys, I felt I could get in more sparring time, and technique time somewhere else a few more times a week. I couldn’t commit to the classes because of work so for me to spend the extra money did not make sense (well to me).

I feel I am ready to get on a mat again, learn some new technique and brush up on the old stuff, I’m ready to get back in the gym and get strong, get big, and get fit. It’s hard to stay motivated sometimes, but I know that when it happens I will be back and eventually maybe better then I was. I know what your thinking… “you say your ready then why are you not doing it?” 

I’m not doing it because I want to find a gym that is legit, a trainer that actually has the credentials to teach and run a class, someone who is humble and takes pride in the team they build, and someone who will believe in you as much as you believe in yourself. I want a gym partner who can push me as I will push them, someone who will challenge me and although I’m sure that’s asking a lot I WILL FIND THAT.

I’ve had some amazing people make me the athlete I was, and just because I’m not training now does not mean I don’t love it any less. Jiu JItsu, Wrestling, MMA, Being on a mat, in a gym, crossfit, lifting it was all stuff that made me feel NORMAL, made me feel at home, and constantly challenged not only me as a person, but it made me show myself things I didn’t even think I could achieve. 

I know that’s still in there somewhere inside of me, working out and stuff is really one thing that helped me stay calm, regain my patience, and realize that regardless of what beats you down you have to get up (force yourself to get up) and keep pushing forward.

I love fighting and competition, I love that feeling when you lift a weight you’ve worked up to and you do it piece of cake, I love being able to constantly surprise myself and push myself. JUST because I’m not on a mat YET, doesn’t mean I NEVER WILL BE, don’t count me out just yet… I may surprise you!

This Speech Changed The way I think… 



~ by Christina Sears on October 28, 2012.

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