Mind Fuck….

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

Recent Picture... my face looking thin

This week has been a complete “mind fuck” for me, pardon my brutal language I just don’t have any other words to describe it.

I’m six weeks into this diet, and three weeks into these specific work outs and surprisingly none of those things are what is getting to me. I mean I’ve never dieted before not in my life, like i said I probably had to cut weight once or twice for wrestling but it was like .5 of a pound or like two or three pounds NOTHING huge like some of my friends who are fighters.

Unfortunately this time around I did have a lot of “fluff” to shed off my body, and I started this journey of something different ONE because I couldn’t make it out to my jiu jitsu gym Cutting Edge, and TWO because I needed to keep motivated in the gym. This as you know started as a joke, I wasn’t serious about it but did admire SOME of the people around me who were doing it. The more it was talked about the more I thought “maybe its something I could do?”

If you have been following this, you know that the first two weeks were probably the worse, the detox stages. I had to be on routine with my eating (every hour and a half) and it was all good stuff nothing crappy for my system. WHILE incorporating proteins and supplements (like multi-vitamins and fish oil). I had to find a way to take down that fish oil and I had to get use to those horse capsules of multi vitamins.

But I overcame that and kept pushing forward, I tried to find different ways of cooking things just to change up what I could eat and I did that.

BUT now the obstacle I am faced with is myself, my mind is totally attacking me and its a fight I feel like I can’t win sometimes.

I’ve never felt like I was anything special, it wasn’t until I was at the lowest point with my weight and my feelings towards myself that I picked myself up from all of that and decided to do something about it. It still wasn’t easy for me though, I had people telling me I was fat and making me feel like for an athlete I should be in better shape. Somewhere down the line something in me snapped and whatever was being said, regardless how everyone was talking it felt like it just bounced right off of me and I did what I wanted to do. I shed 15 pounds and felt great!!!

Pic taken March 12 2010 (No i didn't eat the cookie cake)

I started to do this little journey into figure/body building and I felt alright at the start. I felt like a complete newbie but its a work in progress, and I am trying to learn off of all those around me. I’ve seen the results show with my work pants that are brand new (and a size 1) starting to be a bit loose, I see the cuts in my legs and I’m getting the tear drop back with them. I see my shoulders arms and back starting to look good… and then I look down and I feel like puking.

Everything seems to be responding to this diet, and the work outs except my core. Its been bothering me so much I find myself working on core everyday to the point where it hurts to even laugh. I’m doing cardio out of my ass just trying to see some kind of change and I see nothing. SIX weeks and that area looks the same, THE SAME! Do you know how frustrating that is?

Somedays I feel like just giving up but then I think about the last six weeks and how far I am and I would feel guilty to turn back now PLUS I have people counting on me and who have helped me a long and I don’t want to let them down either.

I went through the same thing when I first started wrestling AND when I first got into jiu jitsu. I felt like I wasn’t getting any better, but little did I realize I was holding my own better then most people my size.

Your mind totally is your worst enemy (in my opinion) and I’m really just trying to focus my attention on other things. The end of this week is pictures to show progression over the last little bit (since the last day I took pictures), and honestly its so uncomfy to do these pictures every so many weeks. I never see a change and its distracting and frustrating. BUT like a close friend of mine keeps saying I see ME everyday, which is why I would never see that much of a difference from day to day or week to week. The people I am sending these pics too are my sponsors at Physical Development and Nutrition Shoppe and they analyze them and then work on that which needs to be worked on. They send me my work outs, my diet changes etc.. and so far I’ve lost 5lbs just working with them… They notice all the changes through the weeks more then I would.

No one expects me to be perfect but I want to be perfect for myself, I demand perfection in all that I do and I think that yeah sometimes I’m probably a little hard on myself but in the same sense I want to be better then those around me because I know I can be.

That is pretty much why this week has been sort of hard for me, because that stuff has been in the back of my mind ALLLLLL week. Its making me not motivated or driven to do what I need to do in the gym, but I force myself to do it. Plus working two jobs and raking in the hours I have been over the last week didn’t help either. I’ve been physically tired while at the gym, which totally sucks when I’m there.

Well here’s to another week right?


Sponsored By:

Physical Development & Nutrition Shoppe



~ by Christina Sears on March 14, 2010.

4 Responses to “Mind Fuck….”

  1. Ok, you need to stop working your core missy!! I think L-Theanine needs to now be incorporated into the diet or some anti-stress. You’re releasing cortisol and we need to get that level lowered!! We need to turn your mind off and get you off the self sabotage. You’re doing great and it’s one change at a time that’s going to make all the difference in the world!!

    Keep up the hard work and dedication, we know you have it in you…..you CAN do this!



  2. Heya Tina I see you like that line aswell good to know you are sticking to the plan, thats great to hear. you ever need someone to talk to or any advice Im here. Dont stress too much ya know? motivation sometimes can be just about giving it everything you’ve got and hoping thing turn out for the best. Other then that you’ve got solid people who’ve got your back all the way. That counts for alot ya know.

    Talk to yya later kid.
    From Mike.


  3. My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso”

    Try not to become a woman of success, but rather try to become a woman of value.

    Your Biggest Fan


  4. as i told you the last time i posted, from the outside your progress is incredible, you cant see the change so easy cause you look every day(more im sure) and problem with that is slow changes cant be seen that way. no one got where they are at in short time so long term is what you focus on. pull out pictures or start making them at larger intervals apart and compare those and the changes will be noticeable even by you, even in your writing.
    the mental part is the hardest beast to tame but use every positive step to reinforce your power to achieve your long term goals. dont put to much focus on your “problems” just add alittle more effort in those directions, the overall balance is what will pull everything together. reread my last post it still is true.
    you got this! just dont hurry, life is a marathon not a sprint.
    patience and perseverance are part of focus and drive.(all are character, what really matter in the end)
    give yourself credit for the little things and use those achievements to allow the confidence to build for the next step.
    little bites and steady pace will always get more done then panic, complaining and doubt.
    YOU GOT THIS!! actually you have had this for awhile, now quit thinking negative and get busy taking little bites.
    only you can stop you from doing/being anything you want.
    Now go treat yourself to a pleasure of your choice then get back to the business at hand.
    your none related father Tim haha


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