Happy Holidays

2009 was the year that I discovered who I was, my worth, and the direction in life I want to take. The last three years have been a roller coaster ride for me. Between getting back on the horse and finishing school, making sure my family is healthy and together, and the emotional roller coaster of a few of my relationships it really made me sit back and think ENOUGH… WHAT DO I WANT!

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that karma is a huge bitch. I was in a relationship and I have pictures that prove I was with someone, and I mean I think i looked somewhat happy but still felt like there was a void that wasn’t filled. When things happened and fell a part out of the blue yeah it sucked, but when I stopped to think about it I thought to myself SOMEONE is obviously looking down on me, and saying to me “this isn’t you…. just like the other one wasn’t you… look harder… and this too shall pass” and honestly I don’t miss him, I dont even think about him. When I look at the pictures I still can’t believe it was a portion of my life that happened because it feels like it never existed and if the pictures weren’t there I would still feel as if it never existed.

I went through another hardship before that as well, this one longer then most and again… that person my guardian, my protector made me see the hard reality that people (as much as you would like them too) will never change.

So it had me sitting at my computer desk talking to a long time friend of mine about how wonderful it would be to just get away to the destination that’s been calling out to my heart since maybe 1995 when I was in the fifth grade writing up a project on Kangaroos and the wonderful country they live in Australia. It was in a red folder, with a picture I attempted to draw, and my somewhat neat handwriting. I remember crying because I got a D or something on it then, and had to re-do it. I thought that the first draft was the cats meow but the teacher obviously thought otherwise.

I always admired the country, I think that its as equally as beautiful as my home country of Canada. I don’t care what anyone things I love Canada and I think its one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Its multicultural, and it has some amazing gems that are just hidden. We have 4 seasons all of them as equally as beautiful as the next.

So as I was sitting at my computer desk talking about how I should get on going back to school for a more secure job with a teaching career and maybe do my video editing and such on the side. When I was thinking about where I wanted to be the only place that came to mind was Australia, only because it reminded me of my own Country, and I always felt a strong pull and obsession with the country. Its somewhere I felt had something to offer me if I only took the leap and the chance to check it out.

So with all the talk about the place, and the pictures I was looking at I found myself looking for flights and before I knew it and 1700 later with only 3 months to put this trip together my flight was booked and I was counting down the days to something I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember.

Three months crept up faster then I thought it would and then I was in Toronto waiting in line to go through customs to head to LA which was just the middle stop before boarding the crazy long flight to Australia.

It didn’t hit me that I was finally going to the place I only dreamed of, the one I would go to when it seemed like my world was crashing…It didn’t hit me until “attention all passengers we are just 25km from Brisbane, the weather is 30 degrees, thank you for flying with Quantas.”

Australia believe it or not was a real eye opener for me, yeah it was great to visit another country, and  experience a few new cities. But I was able to take myself out of the little box I was in here and look inside it from an outside perspective.

**My Great Barrier Reef Experience… in Australia!**

I remember being in high school thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life, I remember wanting to write I loved writing. So naturally i got into Journalism. It was very crucial to pick your school and make sure it was the right choice. Well believe it or not I failed the first time around, and a lot of people told me “you’ve been out of school too long… your not going to want to go back.” But when I was good and ready I went back, and guess what I graduated, taking away some great memories in the news room and some new great friends attached to me. All of which brought something into my life.

BUT somewhere down the line I forgot what I was fighting for, I for some reason couldn’t see the path in which I once could see so clear. I was side tracked with an emotional blow… it was one of those blows that change people, and make them have to really pick them self up off the ground without anyone’s help… crawling with your hands and knees scrapped up. I felt like that path I was on was gone, and I couldn’t reach it but slowly and surely I became bigger.. and stronger then I once was. I eventually shed a lot of extra weight, and re-evaluated what I wanted (or what I thought I wanted)…

Again.. the clouds were shifted, I think that life wants you to fuck up that way when you finally have something in your reach you know when to grab on to it and hold it for dear life. And that’s what I did… When I was in Australia, I realized who my friends were, they were the ones for no reason at all would continue to email me just to see how I was, to see what I was up too, and most important because they missed me just as much as I missed them. I realized where my support lies, because they were also the ones who encouraged me to do what my heart tells me to do and experience everything I can because you only live once. AND I realized more then ever, what I wanted…. and my path.. the one that seemed so far, for a strange reason seemed closer then ever. Of course some hurdles to over come… BUT I realized if I was willing to take the blows and tests life throws at me… I can come closer and grab any dream, goal, or path I want because I’m willing to, I’m determined to, and I know in my heart its right for me.

I’ve also realized how selfish and childish some people can be. They hide how they feel through antics that they think will make someone feel how they feel and bring them down. One day people will see through it.. in there somewhere deep is a nice person.. but with the surroundings of selfish, judgmental, ugly and mean personalities that person WILL never shine through. In the same regard how your actions from the past can sometimes haunt your future especially if its something you love and want back.. and you damaged it so much that you can’t get it back… there is just too much broken. To much that can’t be fixed, and if it has been fixed…. it will always have its unstable cracks.

2010 is my year to start fresh and focus on what I want, my path, my life, finish what I started and get my life in check. I mean I’m not getting any younger and eventually I will get old. I want to make sure my life is secure and one that I would want to live for the rest of my life. Getting out… and experience what I have wanted to experience for a very long time gave me that extra boost I needed to get my shit together and push forward.

Good luck to those who have come and gone in my life, I don’t regret whatever I went through with you… You only made me hungrier and stronger to strive for what I want. It wasn’t a waste of my time because I learned how to watch for certain people, I learned to use my inner feelings about things, and most important I learned my worth… and nothing and no one will be taking that out of my hands…

Happy Holidays



~ by Christina Sears on January 1, 2010.

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