The Quest… Begins Sept 28th

Last night, I was talking with one of my good friends about some stuff! This is a person I’ve known for years, one of those friendships that don’t happen to often you know what I’m saying

January 17 2009

January 17 2009

January 17 1009

January 17 1009

Anyways, I was telling him about my weight and the issues I’ve always had with it. NOW I know the face you must have on right now the “your kidding me right” face. But hey, listen, looks can be quite deceiving and unless you were pretty close to me you would never know or realize that I have always had an issue with my weight.

Now before you read this I don’t want anyone thinking this is a compliment grab, or that I’m looking for someone to sugar coat an “awe your so beautiful” comment. I’m looking to inspire those who might be in the same shoes I have been, or those who feel like they can’t do something. Honestly, thats what I get out of my training logs and video blogs, I always get people telling me how much I inspire them and I look in the mirror and felt like “wow I’m a complete fake” because I NEVER truly believed in what i was able to accomplish, and when I did accomplish something it was never good enough for me.

I know it frustrated my coaches, and trainers all the time because they sort of seen it first hand sometimes.

I started at Edges and it was such a challenge, and really humbled me a bit more then what I was becuase there were guys who had only been training for a month or so and they seemed like they were doing it over a year. And I really had to start from scratch I felt sometimes.

Then I got to a point where I was tired of being the smallest in the weight divisions for jiu jitsu tournaments. It frustrating to know that my technique was there but I was too small to do anything about it sometimes.

So I guess your wondering why i have “weight issues” if I was always the “smallest” and “tiny” one right?

Well, back in high school I didn’t have the backbone I have now, I did bother me to look at other girls who seemed so perfect at the time and wish that I could look like that. I never felt good enough. No matter what I did or how much I trained for wrestling I always felt like when I looked in the mirror I was maybe 4 months pregnant looking. Not saying that pregnant women aren’t attractive BUT just giving you an idea of how i felt…

I remember some people who were close to me would compare me to other people and I felt like I had to look like that for them to accept me. It really spun out of control thats when I found out that fat burners when your 95lbs and a teenager ISN’T healthy nor does it make you feel great. AND I learned that unfortunately the hard way.

I thought I had the weight issue under control once I hit rock bottom with the fat burners,  until two years ago when I decided that I wanted to be bigger, stronger and faster for my sport. I remember working out like crazy I was training 3 days a week 3 times a day, and I did that for a few solid months. Then I caught wind that people felt that for an athlete I should be in “better shape” I should love “more cut” I should be “thinner.” Which honestly killed me? Because I had been through so much already in the sport and now with my training and I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere I felt like I was at the start line while the sprinters were off!

Then there was a tragedy in my family, I remember taking all this on at once and the weight started to pack on and never come off… I was lifting and training so of course I was going to get a heavier result when I stepped on the scale, but for as much as I was working out I should have never looked as I did. I think there was a lot of build up depression deep down brewing that I never came to terms with too about a few things, which again probably eventually took its toll on my body.  In January, 5 months after my grandfather died my weight shot up to 116lbs… I ate everything, and had crazy stress cravings and other cravings all the time. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat in front of certain people because they already discussed how I “should” look and I hated it, but when I did eat it was junk and the junk was comforting. Not healthy to say the least BUT it comfort me. It wasn’t until two months ago things started to click for me.

I was hungry to train and train hard, I didn’t feel like I was doing it for anyone else but me. When before I was doing it because yeah I loved it but I always felt I was trying to be transformed into something I wasn’t. Which made it frustrating for me and hard to concentrate.

Up until 2 months ago I had got to 120.5lbs and I’m 4‘10.5 so that is A LOT of weight for someone my size. I remember a lot of the weight was put on in February as I was preparing for the Arnold Classic in Columbus Ohio. And I was pretty soft at that weight, looking back on pictures I know people were being nice saying I wasn’t huge BUT I WAS! I wasn’t stupid and I felt it and it made me feel worse that people would lie to my face. I understand its a white lie just to be nice, but I wasn’t fooled or convinced.

2 months ago, some would say I shed not only the weight I gained… but also some excess dead weight that was just waiting to come off. I started the Paleo diet, it wasn’t hard to follow pretty common sense and the weight started to come off, then something happened and before I knew it the weight was gone in maybe 2 weeks or so… not healthy at all so I eventually went off the paleo diet because I was scared my body was dropping weight and size like crazy.  It took a month or so for me to feel strong emotionally I had a talk with my cousin Tania that changed my life, the way I think, the way I felt…..

I went back into training that monday with some obstacles thrown at me and I felt cured, but my weight was still a bit of an issue for me I still wore my layers, I still tried to hide my body, and I still didn’t see what others saw at this point (being 10lbs lighter).

February 23 2009

February 23 2009

February 23 2009

February 23 2009

It wasn’t until I talked to my friend, the one I’ve known forever…. Who no matter what literally through my thick and thin days has always saw me as me and no one else. And talking with him about this struggle of mine I stopped and thought to myself… I’m better then that, I know I’m stronger then that.

I remember slipping in front of people “oh i feel fat,” or “I’m fat” or “i feel like a cow” and they would tell me how stupid I am and no one’s feeling should be stupid because that’s what they are feeling but it took something inside me to snap and realize hey I worked hard, and have been given literally a clean slate to DO it for the right reasons this time.

Not to do it for a boyfriend, or for an event, or to make someone like me, or anything like that, but for me to look in the mirror and feel my worth not just KNOW my worth but truly feel it.

So this brings me to my new little journey I’m planning for myself, September 28th is a week that I won’t have to worry about an anniversary party, or about my crazy neighbour its my new start to get back on track get back to doing things for me, reaching out with this thick new skin I have and grab what is mine, and I mean really work hard to get the balls to stand up on the tallest point and grab something I’ve always been to scared to take.

I have been working hard in the last month and a bit, I go into my work outs with one thing on my mind and thats “find your weakness and make it your bitch.” I’ve had Christine there by my side every step of the way challenging me, I’ve had Adam challenge me to want to work harder… push harder, I’ve had Marla push me to lift and not be scared to try, I have so many strong women at Alchemy Crossfit that I look up to for different things. And there are a lot of men I look up to as well but more so in jiu jitsu at Cutting Edge. I know last time I was there Bryan called me on something and pretty much said do your thing DONT think, give yourself credit and do it… And he was right. Mark use to say the same thing to me at HSMA.

So… I’m going to get back on my regular schedule program and become that big, strong, fast person I’ve always wanted to be, but I’m going to do it on my terms this time. I’ve lost 10lbs and have started to see results compared to what I was, and I’m not going to stop here.

Today I woke up, and I didn’t feel fat anymore… I felt beautiful, I felt inspired, I felt like myself again and it was the best thing I have felt in a long time.

September 14 2009

September 14 2009

September 14 2009

September 14 2009

Will this journey with my weight be easy, no I’m sure I will have my days… as does everyone, I’m sure I’m going to want to break and I’m sure I’m going to have my good and bad days but at the same time I feel more confident that I’m going to pull through it this time around. And I’m not going to do it a fast way, or an easy fix… I’m going to work hard and be smart.

Im giving myself from Sept 28 – Dec 1 when I leave for Australia to at least start my quest. I invite you to follow my journey and I hope I can inspire as I was inspired… So I took pictures TODAY of how much weight I lost, wearing the same shorts as the above picture in the blue,  Just to give you an Idea of how much I lost and even looking at these pictures I couldn’t believe how big I got and let myself get ALL because I didn’t feel what I was worth and felt that people knew better then me. YOU as a person know your body better then anyone out there. You shoudl be able to take advice and keep an open mind BUT do whats right for you not what someone says is right for you because all bodies are different. You mind is a powerful tool which is why they say if you put your mind to something it can and will happen. I had it stuck in my mind that I wasn’t good enough and my body transformed into something else. The second I started to realize my worth the weight shed, the moment I started to feel my worth I started to write this and show you that anything is possible. Its okay to feel how you feel but you have to be willing to help yourself becuase you are the only one who can do that. No matter how much someone tries at the end of the say if your not ready to take it all in it won’t happen.



~ by Christina Sears on September 14, 2009.

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