New Beginnings at Alchemy….

So, like I said in my previous blog, I’ve been going through a lot the last few days and those of you who are close to the situation know what’s going on and I love and appreciate all your support and I’m sure he does as well. I especially like how no one is making me feel like I’m blaming myself everyone seems to know that I’m stronger then I think and are making sure I realize all that before anything else and it doesn’t go unnoticed. With that said, yesterday afternoon I went for a 2-3 hour stroll at hamilton’s bayfront park. I know its not known to be the cleanest with the water and what not, but its still so relaxing to sit on a rock at the edge of the water or on a picnic table in the shade with a cool head and just reflect on a lot of different things.

I’m starting a new chapter in my life, maybe some of the things from previous chapters will carry over but for right now its a fresh crispy page that I’m going to be brainstorming on. With this reflection I realized that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit where credit was due. There was a lot I was scared about doing because I didn’t want to fail or look stupid and I realized that I have nothing to be ashamed about… not one thing… So I created a video where I took all the footage from the last 1.5 years of crossfit and other things and said goodbye to that person, and everything that came with her. Yesterday was the day I said goodbye and let go a lot of things whether i wanted them  close to my heart or not.

So yesterday was the new plan, and I went to Cutting Edge and got back into the swing of things, I hope Edge doesn’t give up on me I know he won’t I really have a lot to prove to myself and that’s a fight I refuse to lose this time around.

Today I started my day with going to Alchemy, going there my heart rate shot up to 130 – 140 beats a minute according to my heart rate monitor on my watch…. I could feel the anxiety attacking my system and I almost wanted to cry and not go for some reason. But then this little voice in my head said “T get in there… you can do this thing… GET IN THERE” so i kept driving… NOW with all the stress I’ve been under eating has been a problem surprisingly, usually when I’m stressed food is what comforts me and I’ve been known to balloon out (I have pictures of proof). So for me to not eat I know this situation is deeper then anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve eaten maybe 3’x since saturday, every time I try I have that quiver in my body the one you get just before you puke from a bad night of drinking or the flu or food poisioning (I guess you might get the picture)…. SO stupid me I went to crossfit with no gas (meaning food) in my tank.

Just doing the warm up I felt light headed and I felt like a fighter I knew when he was cutting weight (FYI worst feeling ever). So I had mentioned to Adam about how I felt, so we set up my work out station near the big door and i brought a jug of water to sip on incase i was going to let it all out. When we were practicing the dead lift I really wanted to nail my arch and staying tight with control. If i want to compete these are things that I will have to work on to get better, he did comment that it looked a hell of a lot better which made me feel good inside.

SO the way he approached today’s WOD was he said for those of us who weren’t at the Ontario Crossfit Challenge he’s going to take us through the challenges they did and todays challenge was:

5 Dead Lifts

5 Burpees

As many reps as possible for 10 minutes.

Seems pretty easy right? WRONG… He also mentioned the categories you can fall under to do this work out… Seeing how I haven’t lifted in 2 weeks or so I was pretty nervous about all this. He said for women you fall under the 175lbs dead lift, 135lbs or 95lbs…. I knew when I stopped lifting that 145lbs felt easy but Adam and I both agreed with the no eating, and already feeling like i’m weight cutting that it might fuck my back up because I might get too tired and forget little things like keeping the arch and staying tight. SO out of the 4 women that were there (myself included) i was the only one to do 135lbs dead lift… Normally my back would be hurting in a work out like this… BUT when adam said go I dug deep inside and just got it done.

I wasn’t worried about what the other women were doing, I really dug deep inside myself regardless of how i was feeling and i looked for the fighter in me to get that work out done as many times as i could. I made sure that i got through all the burpees as fast as possible and there was a point where i felt like giving up… But this voice inside me said “T get in there… you got this… lets go 4 minutes left.. lets go get another round in there LIFT DAMMIT” and at that very moment my body went numb and all i was focused on was getting that weight up and getting the burpees done. There were a few rounds that i didn’t even let go of that bar I just kept lifting.. and that was a huge deal for me because normally I would just shy away from it and say I can’t because I didn’t want to fail. BUT I finally realized who the fuck cares if I fail… the worst that can happen is i take some weight off… BUT i’m still pushing.. and the harder I push the more this work out will eventually become my bitch.

I felt strong, and great, and It just showed me how much I held back from myself. Life is about failing and making mistakes its the people who can pick themself back up and try again are the ones who end up bettering themself you know?

SO this is my new journey.. my new plan… stay tuned.. because i’m going to be an entirely different athlete… and your going to see me do things not even I thought i could do…



~ by Christina Sears on July 21, 2009.

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