The Snowball Effect…

So the only day I really trained last week would have been Wednesday night, I decided to go to HSMA, and change things up a bit. I really haven’t been since I got my belt there, so it was weird when people were treating me like a Sensei. I don’t see myself at that level, because with martial arts you’re always learning, getting this belt to me is me using the basic skills I’ve learned to this point and teach others and progress my own skills, and push the limits and really keep an open mind with my training.

I was rolling with a new guy who really put me on some pedestal, its weird going into a class just to roll around and train and have people look at you like you know all, and that their biggest goal is to make you tap? I’ve never had that; I usually had them look at me like I was just a small chick who likes grappling and now it’s different. But I felt really great and really strong. I want to work more from the mount and side control having someone on me while I drill getting out and I also want to focus on my top game, I’m starting to try and stay on top more, now, so we will see how that goes.

The reason I haven’t been in the gym as much as I would like is because I’ve had a lot going on. I’ve had two days off in two weeks and the Valentines Day weekend just took so much out of me the hours were crazy and it was so busy at work. And I don’t get time off until I leave for Edmonton.

I’ve been going through a lot too the last little bit, I’ve really started to see the light sine on people I trusted, people who I thought different of and when it comes down to it I kept doing and never got anything back. Something simple like trying to make plans, and talk about something important just went out the window and it was irritating. I hate when people aren’t reliable when you have to babysit them and make sure they are doing what they are suppose to be doing. I feel like I have no support sometimes, I don’t get some of the logics behind some of the rules I have to follow at the age of 24. I mean, I would say that I’ve turned out so far pretty decent, finished high school (which that’s all most parents ask for), I took an interest in something and put my money into learning more about it and even though life got in the way I still stuck to my guns and went back to school when EVERYONE said I wouldn’t go back and I finished it. And I’ve been working my butt off trying to reach my goals, I feel like I’m treading in water and at any time will be pulled under and drown. I feel so behind in my life and I’m not where I want to be. But I’m working on it, which is more then I can say for a lot of people.

So when I’m told I can’t go here, or I have to come home, or whatever it is… I just think to myself haven’t I proved myself yet? You know? Like, I’m suppose to plan this huge party, but if I need the car for an hour at night to GET OUT after work or something the answer is no, but I can use it to run here and there, or to get things done for this big bash? I don’t get that? I always call home if I’m going to be late with the car (if I’m working), I always say where I’m going when I’m going to be home because I am living under their roof and its respect but I feel like I’m still being treated like I’m 13 and I can’t prove myself enough and I can’t take it anymore. I was always yelled at for keeping them at arms length, but when I finally say why I’m frustrated it doesn’t click and it’s in one ear and out the other… I get the rolling of the eyes… and that’s why I just don’t bother.

I don’t get how something materialistic can get in the way of FAMILY planning stuff. Someone saying “yeah I’ll be there” and show up an hour and a bit late, have things rushed and then not really talk about what the plan is and its more about “Omg this happened” as if it was a shock… when everyone and their mother would have saw it coming.. I just can’t do it anymore.

I’m not perfect… far from it believe me and I’m sure I can do a lot more then what I do… BUT when it comes to them needing me for something, I’m there when I’m not working and when I can be there, if I’m going to be late I call, I compromise, I reschedule I figure it out… and its more then what I can say for them. I know most people move out because they hate their family… I need to be in my own place, on my own terms, doing my own thing, so I can breathe, and spread my wings because I feel like I’m being held back and smothered but so many un logical things and I just can’t do it anymore… Maybe I’m just irritated who knows but I know that it’s not going to change because like I was told “a leopard never changes its spots”

You know what else I love, going into a job that I really don’t mind doing because the money can be good but a job that I don’t want to do anymore because I’ve paid 12000 to do much more. And it irritates me how people can be so ignorant when they go out to eat. Especially when they see how busy a place is and how much their server is running around. People don’t care; they get pleasure out of FINALLY being able to tell someone else what to do and fill their pathetic little life with some kind of power over someone. And kudos to people who want to be in that industry it really takes a lot, but it’s not for me. And I work with some ignorant people who think the world revolves around them and they are just perfect; when in reality if they looked at the big picture a lot of people don’t have that same outlook. Everyone complains about everyone, which is normal at any job but no one stops to think “what have I done to better myself, and better the place I work in?” Weather it’s a place you want to work in or not you should care about the people you work with and be a team player and be confident in yourself while your working there, it what I always try to do and believe me I’ve been burned many of times by the people I work with…

It’s also hard when you’re watching someone close to you work hard at something and you can’t really do anything but be there. You see how irritated, and angry they can get, and how frustrated they can get and you’re always on eggshells because you don’t want to be the next target when the bomb goes off. But you still try to get them to see other sides of the story, and look at the picture from all angles without making them feel like shit and when someone is irritable its hard…

I know this has nothing to do with training, but as an athlete in the sport its what’s on my mind, and something that’s contributing to my training (or lack of) because my mind is pre-occupied which is really emotionally making me tired and worn down. If your mind isn’t there your body will not be either, this is more mental then physical. I have a tourney coming up in a few weeks, and to be honest I’m not going in it to win, like I said to one of my team mates it would be nice to win but I’m more looking to see where I’m at and poke around with the whole weight thing. I know what I need to work on; it’s just getting on it and working at it. I have some people coming down to support me from my team, and even a girl (or two) from work who wanted to make the truck down there. Which is flattering, and I’m sure they might be disappointed if I don’t pull the win out of my ass…

But I haven’t had a second to concentrate on me, and training for that tourney like I want to because the people I train with had their own thing and it was far bigger then some stupid grappling tourney… more goes into an mma fight then a grappling tourney… so I’ve been there for them and listened to them, and helped with their training and what not…I’m just shocked no one took the time to say “hey what do you think u need to work on” or “we are going to work on this”… I can’t train myself… I’ve been trying to better myself and do crossfit more and weight training more and roll with other people… and I feel like I’m in the same spot I was when I first started and maybe I would already be a head in my life if I didn’t slow it down with taking days to train… I’m sure its just hormones… or something I’m going through right now… but everything has snowballed enough to make me want to lose it… There is a lot more to the story but I’m not going to display it on the net in full details (only to protect those involved it wouldn’t be fair)… I just feel lost… I don’t know my place… I feel like I’m not going after what I want anymore.



~ by Christina Sears on February 17, 2009.

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