I found MYSELF!


I’m finally giving up… I’m at the same point I was a year ago where I was content with my life and being able to do everything on my terms. I did everything for me, I wasn’t about to try and be someone I wasn’t, and I think I was fooling myself and maybe people saw it (maybe they didn’t) but I knew I wasn’t in my skin and that bothered me. But being a female (and females tend to be dramatic) I figured it was my estrogen just kicking in (as it would try to every so often)!

I’ve done a lot of thinking this past week. I mean I would work out and think, train and think, run and think, clean my room and (you got it) think!

And I look at all the pictures that surround me on my walls, I read my journals, went through a lot of memories, a lot of letters, a lot of everything and all I have to say right now is

FUCK IT!

I’m stressing over nothing, clearly my stress is a waste considering everyone else who matter is out enjoying their days. SO? Why should my world stop? That was clearly my fault, I’m usually a lot stronger then that.

I thought giving up fighting is what I needed, I say now FUCK WHAT WAS I THINKING? Fighting wasn’t the problem, training was the problem, the gym wasn’t my problem… and now that the problem seems to be out of my life its time for me to get back up for one more round…

Enough fucking staying up late wondering, and letting my mind crawl up the walls (for what)? THEY aren’t letting their mind go crazy? SO why should I? I fight because I’m built to fight. Like I said many times, I don’t get into a cage or a ring… my name isn’t up in lights (UNLESS you pass SEARS at your local mall)! And that never bothered me before. I fought to be accepted into this sport, I worked and earned the respect of my team mates and some of the people in the sport and I never once doubted myself as much as I’ve doubted myself.

I’ve been running in the morning with my younger brother, who’s always been there, who is ultimately my best friend. HE’S never judged anyone or anything, and one of the nicest guys you can meet. Although he likes running I know he does it because I needed someone to vent too to help me clear my head. He’s given me probably the best advice and paved a clear path for me to start on again. Not only have I been running with him, I’ve gone back to my roots and started training with my original team where I sort of feel more at home. I feel like they aren’t talking to me because they have to… it’s because I earned their respect… I’ve had a great time really working with Christine, teaching her like I wish someone has taught me. And I enjoy letting her know that what she feels on a “low day” is normal… and help her fight through it… keep a good mind a positive mind like I wish someone did for me. I enjoy teaching, I miss teaching my kids jiu jitsu/wrestling classes teaching them helped me so much in my own technique I mean anyone can do jiu jitsu, but not everyone can teach it. Bryan at Cutting Edge gets that, he’s got guys in there training for 10 months and you would think they lived and breathed jiu jits for like 4 years. I learned a lot more about teaching through Bryan, and he’s helped me so much and I appreciate EVERYTHING he’s done for me, and I appreciate Jay for pushing me in training over there, never going easy.

For me… when I’m on the mat its not about who’s watching, or showing off, it’s about what I bring to the table as a midget and WHO ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE? LIKE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I must have been a real idiot to let something as stupid as that get to me. I’ve put more blood sweat and tears into working out then I lead on half the time. It’s not easy being 4’11 and in this sport. The only thing I recently changed was the way I train I needed to be stronger so that’s what my focus is on…

In this world, I’ve learned that people always pretend they are someone they aren’t, everyone is full of insecurities they lash out at other people and your not going to be liked by every person you shake hands with. BUT I refuse and I mean really refuse to be that person who stoops to that level. I’ve been brought up well in my opinion, and even though I hate some people in this world if they came to me for something I probably wouldn’t blink an eye. The one thing I love that was said in the bible is that you should always treat people the way you want to be treated. I think that’s lost in today’s society, ANOTHER saying I love is people shouldn’t cast stones in a glass house. You don’t know what’s in store for you, as I don’t know what’s there for me. BUT what I do know is I will be at the top while you are still pointing fingers and trying to make your way.

I know what I want; I know where my eyes are and mark my words I’m going to get there… My judgment was cloudy for a bit… but I now realize I can be who I want to be and do whatever my mind is set on and there isn’t a god damn person in this world who will bring me down again. When your heart is open… it blinds everything else. I give my emotions everything when my heart is open. I always start from scratch I love building relationships, friendships from the ground up you learn so much more that way and you appreciate them more when they work out.

I never have taken the easy way out of things which is why I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished. I’m a fighter and I don’t even have to get into a cage or a ring to prove it because in the end when the crowd clears you’ve got nothing… BUT when I fight, especially when it wasn’t easy I go home much stronger, wiser, and with a lesson I’ve learned…

Christina

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~ by Christina Sears on November 29, 2008.

2 Responses to “I found MYSELF!”

  1. Layne has talked about our book Straight from the Heart and Heart to Heart Talks. Declare

    Like

  2. good for you Christina… go with the gutt feeling.. nice to see you got your grove back on!!!

    Like

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