First day back into the gym since my neck injury! It really is amazing how I can go from being in the gym 4x’s a week to now one or two I mean even before this injury I was rarely going to the gym. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like I’m not one with my body and I’m watching it waste away!

But then again, a lot of my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. I got a phone call that everyone dreads. When a family member your close to (or anyone your close to) is on their last strings and to come quick to the hospital. My family and I were there until he took his last breaths. I got into a new relationship after my heart being somewhere else for 7 years and its hard losing what was there for so long and starting new or with out those people in your life at all.

I’ve just been so tired going through the rounds within myself that something eventually had to give and it was what I do in the gym physically. And I think it’s because I’m so tired emotionally that I’m usually always drained. Even during my lifting today my thoughts were lost in my music and I found myself forgetting about the weights I was lifting on the exercise I was doing.

I guess I’m again starting from scratch, maybe not dirt bottom but I’m down there. Today, I tried running, something I usually do to clear my head. If I’m really thinking about something I really lose myself and sometimes don’t realize how long or far I’m been running. I’m sure everyone’s experienced that at some point. I heard somewhere that physical activity is a great depression reliever instead of going on all the meds people normally take. I wasn’t feeling the run I think I was angrier because when I was doing my lifting I felt a lot better and less stressed.

SQUAT:          PRESS:

45                    45

65                    50

115                  60

115                  60

115                  60

The press felt a bit easy so, I’m happy about that. I really thought I’d be starting at dirt bottom so I sort of under estimated myself! But I will do the 60 for the next two days of my lifting and then jump to 70lbs (where I was)! The squat felt a bit heavy, which is brutal because I was doing that weight fine last time. So I will work from there back to 125. I also did pull ups and dips I only done them because I wanted to test out the gloves that I bought. The pull up bar was tearing apart my hands because of the dry skin I was blessed with. I think next time I’m going to do some hanging knees to elbows.

Then it was to Edges at night. I like Fridays! He incorporates wrestling, BJJ, and MMA plus its fun to hit some of the guys and they have no problem hitting me back. I really like rolling with Jay! He out weighs me (obviously) but he challenges me too. My goal tonight after watching myself grapple was not to be so passive and let them get on top. So I tried to stay on top as much as I could! Jay’s pretty strong and technical so sometimes (or most times) its easier said then done!

Okay, so enough about the training, I think I’m going to talk about something that’s been on my mind for awhile something I think that maybe interesting to some people who might be oblivious to the entire thing.

I want to talk about one of the hardest things being a female athlete! I’m sure in reading that sentence, a few things come to mind but I want to talk about the fact that no matter WHAT you do you are always in front of a mirror.

Everywhere you turn there are mirrors, but for me the two WORST types of mirrors are someone’s eyes and a scale! The scale is a women’s enemy no matter who you are, it doesn’t matter how big or small you are when you step on that scale most women eyes blow up regardless the number, and probably makes them feel sick to their stomachs.

Women are forever being pressured to look a specific way! I actually feel bad for celebrities, I couldn’t imagine always having to look perfect or close to perfect. No matter what they do they are either too fat or too thin, I’d like to know WHAT exactly is an ideal weight for “society.” Personally I think for the most part people are “fucked” and they are so unhappy with themselves that they feel the need to speak about everyone else. I never got tide up in what celebs look like or what fad diet people were doing. NOW imagine being an athlete, people just expect you to be in “better shape.” But I think people seem to forget that no one is a robot. And what I mean by robots is that robots are all programmed the same, and as nice as that could be the reality check is that everyone is built and programmed different. Which is why there is a variety of different diets, work outs, sports, foods and other things because not everyone will like the same things. Not everyone likes the same diets or work outs. Everyone gains and loses at different times; everyone puts on muscle a different way.

Now, as an athlete unfortunately your not untouchable, things in life will effect you like they do anyone. And it bothers me to think that people are so shallow and uneducated to think that just because someone is an athlete SHOULD mean they should be in better shape. I mean if your job is to train, then yes I’m sure you should look a different way then someone who trains for fun, or in between a job and family. BUT even still, if things happen in your life that effect you to a great deal then priorities kick in and life takes over. And that’s what happened in my case.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love and breathe fighting, I may not get into a cage just yet, but I have paid my dues a long the way and beat more odds then some females. I climb over obstacles every day that I train. And I think its amazing how people who don’t know you (or take the time to know you) can assume different. 3 months ago, I walked around at 103lbs I’m 4’11 so I mean I guess that’s acceptable I’d have to ask someone who is obsessed with how they look for the correct answer, but I was comfortable at that weight. Then I started to train a bit harder to get stronger, because I knew the level of competition I wanted to be at and I couldn’t do that being 4’11 and always the smallest in my division. BUT after being in the gym 7x’s a week (and doing 2 a days) and working my way half way up that obstacle I got pushed back down when I found out my grandfather was in the hospital and wasn’t coming home.

EVERYTHING got put on hold, my job, my life, my sport, my training. MY family came first and I don’t regret that at all. I’m lucky to have the family I have, I mean like all families we have our arguments, our differences but I’m confident to say that when push comes to shove my family WILL be there until the end. AND that 4 days or so we were all together I felt strong to watch my Babo go and be at peace.

BUT just because someone is gone doesn’t mean that the crying stops and everything goes back to normal. My Babo was close with all us grandchildren. The house they lived in, the Sunday dinners, the birthdays etc was all done there and he was always there. THAT’S not something you just get over and it takes time. While I was going through that I was going though a lot more with someone else who was close to me. I had to make a decision that would either drive him out of my life or hope to god he stays. AND that took a lot out of me. So I went from training 7x’s a week to maybe 3x’s! Not to mention, I’m working on my career and have to work my other job to fund it and get it going. I don’t have the luxury of someone paying my way where I can quit my job and just focus on what I want I have responsibilities and bills I need to pay on my own because I feel that if I can do it now, later on in life I’ll be able to handle whatever is thrown in front of me. I will be confident that I can stand on my own two feet and handle what is thrown at me.

So I gained weight, do I feel fat, sometimes, did I really care no! You know why? Because I am so confident in myself, I know how my body reacts to things I know how to deal with things. BUT I always had a great support system if it ever did get to me, I had my coaches and team mates, I had my best friends, I had Steven and his family and I had my family. And like other women who gain weight in a specific area so do I. For as long as I could remember I would train as hard as I was, and not be on a diet and I was fine, I was skinny, and in shape. I never needed to be told to diet, I never thought about diet because you know what I couldn’t live my life counting my calories. I watch what I eat and balance it out with training if I splurge. Its what I’ve always done, but any time I’ve been stressed the way I am the weight came and its funny, because I never changed my diet and my weight gets put on, then stays like that until my body doesn’t feel stressed anymore and then I lose 10lbs in a week, sometimes more? But those who know me to know that.

I know in society today when people are in a store, or walking down the street the immature comments take over. Some people say something stupid others just stare and stare and stare… YOU don’t think that these people are use to the stares? The disgusted looks? The comments? I think those people are some of the strongest people in this world because to go through life over weight (for whatever reason they are and believe me most of the time there is a reason) and take all that emotional and probably physical abuse and still get up every morning and go outside I think is something to be proud of.

Maybe I think like that because I have over weight family members, some of my best friends aren’t size 2’s, and even being an athlete  I struggle with weight sometimes. Maybe that’s why I think differently, but some people are so uneducated and would even talk about their OWN family members with no heart about being fat and make comments. You don’t think they notice the extra weight that’s on them everyday? Why people feel the need to point it out further is beyond me.

Its no wonder athletes (even men athletes) feel the needs to take enhancers, steroids, hormones to get bigger. Some probably feel pressured by what people see and their comments. BUT I really give the respect to the people who train their hardest and do what they love to do and ignore the petty uneducated comments of those around them. BECAUSE that is so hard to do when you’re surrounded by it.

Not that it matters to most, but before you make a comment about someone you never took the time to know, or don’t know very well for whatever reasons, remember that just because you count your calories, make so much time in the gym (because really you have nothing else going on but work or school or no work at at all), doesn’t make you any better of a person then the fat person you see on the street, or any fat people around you. EVERYONE is different, and if the world was full of the same people I’d hate to imagine there being a world with people all “programmed” like those who critisize!



~ by Christina Sears on November 21, 2008.

One Response to “Mirrors….”

  1. Hey, sorry to hear about your grand-father. Wow I have to say that hit closer to home then I thought it would. I also just lost my grand-father on Nov 17 2008, and it affected me in the same way it did you, I stopped my trainning, and dropped everything else to be with my family. On top of all that I end up getting sick. But I started to train again today, and yeah it didnt feel the same as before, but I hope with some hard work and dedication it becomes what it was before all this happened. I miss the feeling that I get from a hard work-out, knowing I pushed myself to be the best I can, and just the overall feeling of well being. Well that is my bit, take it easy.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: