When Your World Crashes….

Today was a very depressing day for me. You know when you  watch the Ultimate Fighter and (Season Four is a good example) and you hear these guys talk about stuff they had to over come to sort of get back on track (especially Mikey Bernett) well, I sort of understand where they are coming from.

I’ve had A LOT of distractions over the last month and a bit, to the point where I feel like I’m in a small box and I’m trapped and I’m running low on air to breathe… I feel like I don’t even know why I’m here sometimes. There is just so much emotionally I’m dealing with and Tuesday night it all came crashing down on me like a tone of bricks.

The world got a bit too heavy and I hesitated to hold my shoulders strong, so it dropped on me and I got caught underneath.

So needless to say after I emotionally snapped, I mentally snapped, so I didn’t sleep at all that night. When I did sleep it felt like it was only for five minutes and before I knew it I was getting ready to hit the gym. I got to Phoenix and usually the staff there talk to me, especially now since they haven’t seen me in awhile (because of everything that has been going on). So they are really curious to know how I’m doing, how training is going, have I beat anyone up yet, you know the normal stuff.. And I really, just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t’ be rude so I slapped on a half ass smile and just made the conversation sort and sweet.

I wanted to try and clear my head before my other work out with Coach Marini, I knew he would probably have something hard planned for me over at Crossfit. So I got changed and threw on a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, and a hoodie with a pair of black and pink shorts and started to do a fast inclined walk on the treadmill. I don’t think I could run and read at the same time, knowing me I would probably fly off the treadmill.

Anyways, I was trying to lose myself in this book I was reading called “Fighting for Acceptance” I’m going to be doing an article on it when I’m finished reading and so far I’ve read a good chunk of it and its not a bad read at all. It brings up a lot of valid points about specific things in MMA and in society.

So here I was sweating my bag off trying to lose myself in the pages of this book, when Kevin (one of the trainers) came over and we started talking a bit. I only walked about 15 minutes because anything longer then that and I probably would have worn out my legs for my crossfit work out (I know sounds stupid but you’ve never worked out with Coach Marini).

So over to Crossfit we went and what did I have to start off with? One of the things I hate most, the 500 meter row (oh whoopee dooo can u feel the excitement).

My mind was far from clear and I was doing everything in my power to fight my mind and emotions off just until this work out was finished.

I was listening to my IPod and “Unfaithful” but Rihanna came on, and it just made me think of a lot of things and the more I thought about it the more angry I got the harder I ended up rowing (without realizing it). I didn’t even really feel tired I just kept rowing. It was almost like I was trying to drain the pain I was feeling through the pull of the rower bar.

After I hit the 500 mark I stopped and as I was un strapping my feet I started to feel myself break, bit by bit I could feel the weight I had on my shoulders get heavier and heavier weighing me down a bit more every second that went by. Before I knew it my eyes filled up with tears and they made their way down my face. I couldn’t control it, and anyone that really is close to me knows I hate crying and I feel like its a “girl thing” to do and I refuse to do it in front of people. But I couldn’t control it.

Coach Marini was great though… he just said something like “we aren’t always going to be perfect, and we will break, but I will be there for you like you have been there for me and we will get through it.” And all I said was “don’t let me give up on this work out” and he didn’t…

The work out he had planned for me was similar to Fran, but instead of thrusters and pull ups, it was cleans and squats with the punching bag.

Fran is thrusters (with 65lbs) and pull ups, and you do reps of 21, 15, and 9 for time, so I did cleans with 65lbs, and squats with the punching bag which has to be about 75lbs or maybe more. The punching bag was right side up and I had to wrap my arms around it and hold it close to my chest (like I would if I was shooting in and picking up a double) and squat with it making sure my butt was low to the ground and I stood straight up.

While doing this work out I broke down the tears were flowing like a deep and never ending river, but it wasn’t because of the work out it was because of what I was feeling inside, I was angry, depressed, sad, everything.. And it was all snowballing at once. Coach Marini was really great about it saying “5 more then take three deep breaths and another 5 come on T I know you can finish this” he was very sensitive to the fact he knew I was feeling not myself, and helped me worked through it and even though I was balling and I felt the way I felt he helped me fight my mind and emotions and get the job done.

After the work out I sat in the change room area on this wooden bench with my back against the wall, I could feel the sweat on my body running down my back and arms with the long sleeve shirt soaking it up. Coach Marini just came back there and sat with me for a few minutes, didn’t say much didn’t expect me to say much but I felt like in that brief time I sat there I got a lot out without saying a word. I hope I’m ready for the Joslin’s Tourney coming up November 9th in Hamilton. I really want to put what I learned at Bryans and the hard work I’ve been doing at phoenix and crossfit to the test. I have to find away to focus, but I can’t. Once I get on that mat I think nothing will matter but me and whoever they put in front of me… but you never know right? Always have to be prepared.



~ by Christina Sears on September 29, 2008.

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