I started writing about my backwards chapter, awhile back and I knew that I wouldn’t always get great feedback about it. BUT I didn’t think that I would be accused of saying improper and malicious things. I had some stuff thrown in my face that I apparently said, however when I went back to read what I wrote it wasn’t even close to what I was talking about.
I don’t really care who reads this, what I write about isn’t for everyone coming from a journalism background I know I won’t make everyone happy with how I express myself, BUT as a friend of mine said in a conversation the other day I am a writer it is what I do and what I have always done. A lot of people feel I “post my life” but the best thing about being able to express myself on a larger scale is I can pick and choose WHAT I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT!
If I wrote about EVERYTHING with no filter I’m sure the backlash would be HUGE. I write about what matters, I write because I feel if I can inspire someone else OR MAYBE comfort them with what I’m going through and for them to know THEY are not ALONE its good enough for me.
A lot of people see the world differently then I do, but as I respect the way you see the world I ask you respect the way I see it as well.
I was going to stop writing about my experiences with this backwards chapter BUT after talking with a friend of mine (whom I was close with in high school) and knowing she actually read up on everything meant a lot to me. It showed me that although a lot of people around me are not there everyday THEY do hope for the best and STILL support me. So I think I’m going to continue with my blogs, I’ve always wrote about what I go through and it seemed to get through to a lot of people, so I intend to continue to inspire and hopefully comfort people with my words if I can. I don’t know why I let someone get to me so bad because at the end of the day they didn’t even come to me they chirped and chirped to all the wrong people when the person they should have been chirping at should have been me. I’m over it, because at the end of the day I’m sure they should look in their own yard I’m sure there is a lot of yard work that needs to be done.
I’ve had A LOT of people message and ask me about mother’s day, as it was a hard day for McKayla and I’m sure her sisters. We decided to get everyone together to gather at Stephanie’s resting place to say a prayer and remember her and most importantly to send messages of love via balloons into the sky so she can grab them from heaven. Melissa had the fantastic idea of writing messages on balloons more for the kids so they can feel like they are sending a message to their mommy in heaven.
We called to try and arrange to have the other two girls there, and after a lot of calling with no response finally someone picked up the phone and simply said “we are going to do our own thing with the girls.” I feel really bad for McKayla, because she not only lost her mom but she probably feels like her family has been taken away from her, she really misses her sisters and talks about them everyday and there is only so much you can say to a 4 year old. She’s not dumb and she’s going to figure out why she can’t see her sisters. It’s just sad that Stephanie’s dying wish was for the girls to be together and it could have been arranged however all parities have to be willing. It’s not about the adults it’s about the kids.
With that being said, although the other girls could not make it we still sent messages in the sky for them, even though some feel we don’t care or think about the girls we always keep them in our thoughts and I know especially on my behalf and my boyfriends behalf what we do for one we do for all. We have a lot at the house waiting for them when we finally see them, I can’t wait for them to get all the things we picked up!!!
….. Getting back on track (sorry, thinking about the other two and the situation just… is a sad sad situation to think about)
We all met up at Stephanie’s resting place in the morning, I was a little nervous for McKayla to go because I wasn’t sure how she was going to take the visit. I’ve always told her that her mom isn’t buried in the ground, that in fact when the priest said his prayers in the church and the smoke was waved in the air around her casket that God took her body to heaven and all that was left in the casket was all the “treasure” her sisters, the family and her put in there. That’s what I told her was buried and we bring flowers so we know where to find it, and her mommy’s angel comes down sometimes to play with the treasure and the flowers help her find it. We figured it was the best way we could explain it to her.
We went to pick up flowers, and I wanted McKayla to choose her own flower to bring to her mommy. She decided on long stem roses, she was very particular when she picked them out as she began to tell me that roses were some of her mommy’s favorite flowers. She picked out a White one, a Red one, and a vibrant pink one. She said she needed three (she also thinks of her sisters as there was one there from each of them). It was interesting watching her pick them out especially the white one, she was really firm on which one she wanted and wouldn’t settle for any other colour.
We put the flowers firmly at Stephanie’s resting place, as it was a really windy day. The balloons almost got away as they made an escape through an open car window but were retrieved. I was worried they weren’t going to go very high because of the helium sort of deflating. McKayla wrote her message on her balloon from her and her sisters and the family walked to an open field to let them go. ALL of a sudden this BIG gush of wind took them and they disappeared soon after. As the family was walking to the field I felt this really weird feeling (hard to explain). When they let the balloons go McKayla said to her Zia “Mommy’s following us to let the balloons go.”
I truly believe that Stephanie is around, and she’s definitely looking over her children and i 100% believe McKayla when she says her mom was with her that day!!!
Through out the day I had a friend of mine post on my wall wishing me a happy mothers day, and then I got texts and more messages about it. I was shocked anyone would even include me on a day like mothers day considering I’m far from a mom.
After thanking a friend of mine for including me in the day she wrote : “God Choose you to fill Stephanie’s void so your just as much a mom as anyone else xox”
It sincerely brought me to tears, because I didn’t feel like I was filling anyone’s void as no one can fit or fill the shoes of ones mother. HOWEVER when I look at what I’m doing I look at it as Steve would have done all this for me, and stephanie would have done everything she could for me if I was in her shoes. The fact some people feel that I’m stepping up as a “mom figure” just boggles me but at the same time it humbles me. Because learning from Stephanie and looking at some of the strong and influential women in my life being a mom sure as hell isn’t easy. THEY are the glue that keeps the family together and mom’s take on a lot especially when it comes to their kids. SO to have a mom tell me that humbled me and brought tears to my eyes. BUT it wasn’t just that comment it was a few others that were very similar.
TO know a mom out there thinks I’m on the right track is a good feeling CONSIDERING I’m starting with a 4 year old not a baby. I don’t know her allergies, signs of when she’s sick etc.. BUT I’m learning. MY ULTIMATE goal with these girls is to carry on the big picture their mother had for them. I had A LOT of time to talk to Stephanie in the hospital and just in general, so I got a pretty good idea of her dreams and wishes for her girls and I hope I can carry those out for her the best I can.
I thank Stephanie for trusting me with her girls and trusting me to raise McKayla as my own. It meant a lot to me that she asked to talk to me when it came to the girls and trusted my judgement and took in my advice.
Thank you to everyone again for your ongoing support, Steven and I sincerely appreciate it from friends and family to the lawyers we have working with us!!! Thank you all for being such a great support team!